DOCTOR and the Bean

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?

Doctor: Then why are you so happy?

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

!st year Anatomy class

‎1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class. They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog. The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.

The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY , e.g. He inserted his finger in dog's mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth. Then he said them to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes. But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog's mouth & then tasted it.

 When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said: The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION , I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Moral: Life is tough but it’s a lot tougher when you are not paying attention !!!!!

BOY and the CHEMIST ( Adults ONLY)

Boy Goes to a Chemist & Said: Give Me a Condom, I'm Going to My Gfs house for Dinner. Actually
Give Me 2 More. Her Sis is a Bomb!! & Her Mom is Still Hot ♥ :D

During Dinner..
Girl's Father Came to Home.. Boy Lowers his Head Immediately & Start Praying..

Girl: I Never Knew You are So Religious :)

Boy: I Never Knew Your Father is a CHEMIST! :@ :P

Medical Alert!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.

If you come in contact with this WORK, you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take at least one of the following antidotes:

"Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE),
"Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM),
"Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter"(BEER),
"Vaccino Offico Depression Killing Antigen"(VODKA) and continue its dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely.

Please forward this message to all your friends and save their lives.

Issued in Public Interest by "Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association" (BEWDAs)

Stuck on the seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.

When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
  

Psychiatrists Meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Low Self Esteem

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that.  Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex?
7. Oops!  Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again!
9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em.
10. Everybody stand back!  I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool!  Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile.  The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle.  This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don't worry.  I think it's sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!"
23. FIRE! FIRE!  Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing. 

      Q: Why did the nurse have a long pole and two rubber gloves?
      A: Her way of not getting pregnant.

      Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
      A: If you aim it well enough.

      Receptionist: 'Dr. Wynazonski is waiting for you.'
      Patient: 'Which doctor?'
      Receptionist: 'Oh, no, he's fully qualified.'

      Student doctor: 'Please sir, there's some writing on this patient's foot.'
      Famous surgeon: 'Ah, yes! That's a footnote.'

      Patient: 'Doctor, how can I live to be a hundred?'
      Doctor: 'Well, I suggest you give up eating rich food and going out with women.'
      Patient: 'And then will I live to be a hundred?'
      Doctor: 'No - but it will seem like it.'

Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?'
      Doctor: 'What about a cardboard box?'

      Patient: 'Doctor, have you got anything for my liver?'
      Doctor: 'What about some onions?'

      Patient: 'Doctor, sorry to trouble you again, but what can you give me for flat feet?'
      Doctor: 'What about a bicycle pump?'

      Receptionist: 'The doctor is so funny he'll soon have you in stitches.'
      Patient: 'I hope not - I only came in for a check up.'

      Worried woman: 'Doctor, I think I'm pregnant.'
      Doctor: 'But I gave you the Pill.'
      Worried woman: 'Yes, I know. But it keeps falling out.'

      'Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed a spoon.'
      'Sit down and don't stir.'

      'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every time I try to get to sleep.'
      'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'
      'No - only pink striped crocodiles.'

      Patient: 'And if I take these little green pills exactly as you suggested, will I get better?'
      Doctor: 'Well, let's put it this way - none of my patients has ever come back for more of those pills.'

      Patient: 'I've got a terrible pain in my right arm, doctor.'
      Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's just old age.'
      Patient: 'But in that case, why doesn't my left arm hurt, too - I've had it just as long?'

      The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
      Doctor: 'Oh! Don't you sleep at night?'
      Civil servant: 'Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too - but I find it's very difficult to sleep in the afternoons as well.'

      Patient: 'And when my right arm is quite better, will I be able to play the trumpet?'
      Doctor: 'Most certainly - you should be able to play it with ease.
      Patient: 'That's wonderful - I could never play it before.'
______

Saved and then Dead

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry." 

Passing an Exam

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" 

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener!

Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

The results of the X-ray

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

What should I do then?

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

I have good news and bad news

Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.