Showing posts with label Business and office. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Business and office. Show all posts
Height of laziness
Boss: Do you know, what is the height of laziness?
Employee: Yes, it is adopting a child!
Employee: Yes, it is adopting a child!
Secretary and private secretary
Question: What's the difference between a 'secretary' and a 'private secretary'?
Answer: A secretary says, "Good Morning, Boss", while a private secretary says, "It's morning Boss".
Answer: A secretary says, "Good Morning, Boss", while a private secretary says, "It's morning Boss".
Office Junior
Office junior: Please, sir, can I have a day off next month?
Boss: What for?
Office junior: I'm getting married.
Boss: But you only earn thirty pounds a week; you look like a pig; and you've no hope of ever rising above the rank of an office junior. What sort of an idiot would marry you?
Office junior: Your daughter, sir.
Boss: What for?
Office junior: I'm getting married.
Boss: But you only earn thirty pounds a week; you look like a pig; and you've no hope of ever rising above the rank of an office junior. What sort of an idiot would marry you?
Office junior: Your daughter, sir.
At the Gates of Heaven
One day,a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder.
"How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1228."
St. Peter, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer, "Name them"
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder.
"How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "1228."
St. Peter, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turns to the Lawyer, "Name them"
Boss - too much
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Firefighting
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.
To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.
After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"
The First Profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the L-rd needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the L-rd needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?"
"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
Bill Gates-Selection
Bill Gates decided to hold a contest for the lawyers. Whoever wins gets to handle all of Microsoft’s business. The day of the event, the Gates’ estate is swamped with lawyers, all eager for the nod from the richest man in the world.
"Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.
Gates sais, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."
Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting.
"Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."
"Actually, I want just one thing." Carl gasps.
"What’s that?"
“The name of the bastard that pushed me in.”
"Gentlemen," Gates starts, "please follow me." He leads them to an enormous swimming pool filled with piranha. Then he snaps his fingers. With that, a servant opens the door. A cow rushes out and stumbles into the pool. In no time at all, the cow is nothing but bones.
Gates sais, "Any man who can swim the length of that pool shall represent me in all my business and personal dealings."
Instantly, a lawyer named Carl pitches into the water. Furiously he swims across the pool, hauls himself out and stands there panting.
"Bravo!" shouts Gates. "You have proven to me how much you want my business."
"Actually, I want just one thing." Carl gasps.
"What’s that?"
“The name of the bastard that pushed me in.”
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